Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
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gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.