[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
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Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.