Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Vodka…deleting memories since…uhh…
You Might Also Like
FUN PRANK: Put a bike lock on a bike that already has a lock. Leave the owner a note saying you guys share joint custody of the bike now
If a Transformer died could you just use it’s body as a regular car? Like, respectfully tho.
Gets in shower
Thinks about a tweet
Forgets if washed hair
Gets out of shower
DOCTOR: Here’s some medicine, for your well-being.
GUY WHO HAS SOMEONE CAPTIVE IN HIS WELL: *thinking* How does he know about the Well Being
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She’s had a headache for the past 15 years.
Yeah I pee in the shower, but not while I’m in it
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
HER: So you’re a really big dog lover?
ME: *leans in close* I love little ones too.