Vodka…deleting memories since…uhh…

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Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.


FUN PRANK: Put a bike lock on a bike that already has a lock. Leave the owner a note saying you guys share joint custody of the bike now


If a Transformer died could you just use it’s body as a regular car? Like, respectfully tho.


Gets in shower

Washes hair

Thinks about a tweet

Forgets if washed hair

Washes hair

Gets out of shower

Forgets tweet


DOCTOR: Here’s some medicine, for your well-being.
GUY WHO HAS SOMEONE CAPTIVE IN HIS WELL: *thinking* How does he know about the Well Being


Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She’s had a headache for the past 15 years.


Yeah I pee in the shower, but not while I’m in it


There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.


[first day in the Coast Guard]


Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.



HER: So you’re a really big dog lover?

ME: *leans in close* I love little ones too.