Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
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Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another