Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
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Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.