Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
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My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board