Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
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My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
be careful
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Haha! 😂
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.