Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
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nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
*pronounces fake like saké*
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
What flavor cupcake are these
❤️🦆
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.