Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
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Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.