Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
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My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…