Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
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throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme