Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
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Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.