@ScreaminZeman
I hate you more than the guy that raised his hand after the teacher said we could all go early if there are no more questions.
@BuckyIsotope
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
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@ScreaminZeman
@PleaseBeGneiss
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
@djdarrellripley
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
@shahrouzt
My dad recently fell for one of those Nigerian prince scam emails. I feel bad for him but I really needed the money.
@nealbrennan
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
@thatUPSdude
Next time someone is tailgating you on the freeway, throw a handful of change out the window.
Trust me, best 97 cents you will ever spend.
@HenpeckedHal
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
@drinksmcgee
When a cashier asks me for my email address, I keep naming random letters as they type it to see how long I can go before they give up.
@Darchstar00780
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you kinda sorta wanna know.
@LoverOfComics94
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.