{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
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[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.