*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
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I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago