$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
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Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’