[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
You Might Also Like
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!