Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
You Might Also Like
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Anyone really
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.