“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
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“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep