If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
You Might Also Like
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Hey white people, which filter are we using this year to Instagram the Pumpkin Spice Latte?
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Time heals everything 🙂
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”