@weedswildflowrs

Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.

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@cluedont

If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.

@BlindChow

me: i just quit cold turkey

turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change

@MsNitnots

I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.

@daemonic3

MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH

HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it

@3sunzzz

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.

@DamienFahey

Hey white people, which filter are we using this year to Instagram the Pumpkin Spice Latte?

@notsoevilrick

From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”

@WritePlay

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

@huntigula

*finds all 7 dragonballs

*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”