This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.