Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
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So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
🤣😂🤣
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.