Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
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Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
What a chick magnet..
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally