*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
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*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Bros before Ohioes
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
I’m so full I could puke a horse