@DamienFahey

“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6

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@muffathukka

“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”

– me whenever my wife sings while driving.

@brunopieroni

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

@Mr_Kapowski

Hispanic magician: “I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos” *poof*

And just like that he vanished without a tres

@blood_orphan

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

@belleykell

Motherhood means never questioning why you found a Stormtrooper in the toilet just now

@WilliamAder

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.

@iscoff

Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man

@decentbirthday

son: i caught a tadpole!

me: actually that’s a dadpole

son: i’m confused

*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad