“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6

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“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”

– me whenever my wife sings while driving.


We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.


Hispanic magician: “I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos” *poof*

And just like that he vanished without a tres


[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]


Motherhood means never questioning why you found a Stormtrooper in the toilet just now


Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.


Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man


son: i caught a tadpole!

me: actually that’s a dadpole

son: i’m confused

*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad