VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
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velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I unironically love this joke.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school