[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
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[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.