Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
You Might Also Like
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon