Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
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Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.