Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

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I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.


Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*


[watching him pack his bag to leave]

Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?

Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.


????My lactose-free, gluten-free, wheat-free, carb-free, nut-free, fat-free milkshake, brings all the weirdos to the yard…????


I put winks at the end of texts to add a confusing air of creepy.

“Making breakfast. ;)”
“Walking the dog. ;)”
“Broke in to your house ;)”


my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth


[first day as a doctor]

me: we need to amputate your son’s leg

mother: i want a second opinion!

me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually

mother: no, another doctor

another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite


Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.