Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

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I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.


[couples therapy]

Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!

Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.


[at Victoria’s Secret]

*folding panties on table*

“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”

Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*


Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar


weird that we call it “ghosting” when literally ghosts whole thing is that they won’t leave


When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice


Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.


*stuck in elevator with beautiful woman*

I know it’s only been 10 minutes but I’m gonna take a poop ok?


Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?