Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
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When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
They must have gotten it to go.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Cheer up.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*