@PaperWash

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

You Might Also Like

@distracted_monk

I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.

@sixfootcandy

[couples therapy]

Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!

Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at Victoria’s Secret]

*folding panties on table*

“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”

Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*

@rickolantern

Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar

@jpbrammer

weird that we call it “ghosting” when literally ghosts whole thing is that they won’t leave

@hayley_hud

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

@RandomAntics

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.

@thenatewolf

*stuck in elevator with beautiful woman*

I know it’s only been 10 minutes but I’m gonna take a poop ok?

@simoncholland

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?