@PaperWash

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

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@thatdutchperson

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

@WineMummy

Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*

@BoomBoomBetty

[watching him pack his bag to leave]

Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?

Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.

@MafiaJoker78

????My lactose-free, gluten-free, wheat-free, carb-free, nut-free, fat-free milkshake, brings all the weirdos to the yard…????

@trims_the_fat

I put winks at the end of texts to add a confusing air of creepy.

“Making breakfast. ;)”
“Walking the dog. ;)”
“Broke in to your house ;)”

@aotakeo

my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth

@mostlysharks

[first day as a doctor]

me: we need to amputate your son’s leg

mother: i want a second opinion!

me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually

mother: no, another doctor

another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite

@JesseWeller

Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.