wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
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There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Potatoes were such a good idea
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.