@orny_xo

Wait, Fellatio isn’t a flavor of ice cream?!

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@Be___Dope

Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.

Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *

It’s still love though.

@aguywithnolife

brought a knife onto a flight just so the security agents would tackle me because sometimes it’s just nice to be held.

@DanKCharnley

Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!

@Chumpstring

[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down

@Tmoney68

Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.

@pleatedjeans

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

@noogscorner

Alien 1: What are the Humans doing?

Alien 2: Celebrating the existence of their mothers.

Alien 1: I ate my mother.

Alien 2: As did I.

@3sunzzz

M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?

Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.

M: *mumbles* works every time

@CherBear162

Did you hear that?

What?

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

NOT “WHAT?”..WHAT!?

What?

*axe murderer kills both*