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***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster