Wait for it
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Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
this… may be the greatest story ever told
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement