Wait for it
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ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Hitlers gonna hitl
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!