“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.

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ME: [in g-string and hardhat] You sure this is what Boss meant by strip-mining?

[A bat swoops down and tucks a crumpled bill into my thong]


CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified


Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.


How to make your girl feel special:
1) Write down how you feel about your drink or drug of choice.
2) Put her name on it & give it to her.


With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us


[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”


Ever since childhood I’ve identified as a hippo. While other kids were playing, I savagely mauled villagers. #TransSpecies


me: bye bye miss american pie

miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?

me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady


Pressing elevator buttons with my safety hotdog


The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.