ME: [in g-string and hardhat] You sure this is what Boss meant by strip-mining?
[A bat swoops down and tucks a crumpled bill into my thong]
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
You Might Also Like
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
How to make your girl feel special:
1) Write down how you feel about your drink or drug of choice.
2) Put her name on it & give it to her.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Ever since childhood I’ve identified as a hippo. While other kids were playing, I savagely mauled villagers. #TransSpecies
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Pressing elevator buttons with my safety hotdog
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.