“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
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Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆