@nachosarah

wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes

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@RobbyActually

The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”

@DaddyJew

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away

@ElgatoEsmio

When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?

@OctopusCaveman

[Starbucks]

Me: I’ll have a grande vanilla latte.

Barista: Soy milk?

Me: Hola Milk. Una gran latte de vainilla por favor.

@JediGigi

My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.

@LuvPug

Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone

@Seinfeld2000

GERG: She licked ur donut?

JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!

GERG: gross!

JERY: she also said she “hates america”

GERG: Donut licking traitor!

@Bagyants

It’s weird how in England the passenger drives the car