wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
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I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
I beg your pardon?
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
#dalle2
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.