@iAmJuddy

Wait. I’m not cool cuz I’m home on a weekend night? You mean my home I own? With no landlord, neighbors or…parents? Wow, I’m such a loser.

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@Tmoney68

Me: Where do you want to eat?

Her: Wherever you pick is fine.

Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.

@goodbeanalt

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

@theregoesrichie

Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.

@bartandsoul

Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control

Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster

@cuppajosh

With 10K characters, I can finally get into great detail about how I’m not allowed at the company family picnic any more!

@ParisZarcilla

So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.

@truegritrumble

ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.

THERAPIST: Who?

ME: *points at myself* This idiot.

@heatherlou_

Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.

@SortaBad

Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for