Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Wait. I’m not cool cuz I’m home on a weekend night? You mean my home I own? With no landlord, neighbors or…parents? Wow, I’m such a loser.
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my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
With 10K characters, I can finally get into great detail about how I’m not allowed at the company family picnic any more!
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for