I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
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Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.