@anjeanettec

“Wait, it wasn’t us? Are you sure?” – Fox News

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@lazerdoov

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

@1evilidiot

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

@hippieswordfish

boy they weren’t kidding about cigarettes being addictive; I can’t stop eating these things!!

@Gooooats

Sometimes I correctly spell a word I expected to spell incorrectly and then I type some gibberish to make sure spellcheck is still working.

@MichaelTrying

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

@buhsbaby_baby

Autocorrect just changed “carnie” to “catnip” and now all my friends think I slept with a bunch of catnips last night.

@omgthatspunny

If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, then expect a long sentence.

@TheAlexNevil

Him: What’s that, Boy? Timmy fell down the well?
Lassie: Well I said “reservoir,” but if you need it dumbed down for you, sure.