me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
“Wait, it wasn’t us? Are you sure?” – Fox News
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“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Can I ask you something?”
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.
(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
I compared thee to a summer’s day because I hate summer.
911, what’s your emergency?
What do you mean you’ve been stabbed?
People can’t do that, that’s illegal.