Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
“Wait, it wasn’t us? Are you sure?” – Fox News
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You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
boy they weren’t kidding about cigarettes being addictive; I can’t stop eating these things!!
Sometimes I correctly spell a word I expected to spell incorrectly and then I type some gibberish to make sure spellcheck is still working.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Autocorrect just changed “carnie” to “catnip” and now all my friends think I slept with a bunch of catnips last night.
If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, then expect a long sentence.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Him: What’s that, Boy? Timmy fell down the well?
Lassie: Well I said “reservoir,” but if you need it dumbed down for you, sure.