@anjeanettec

“Wait, it wasn’t us? Are you sure?” – Fox News

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@FredTaming

me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough

@10InchesPlus

“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”

– “We should call it AAAA!”

“You’re fired.”

@surrealvehicle

VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!

ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.

@TylerLinkin

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

@rockymomax

SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel

NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second

@Donnie_Fairburn

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

@mrkoodge

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

@Pappiness

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

@lamefactory

911, what’s your emergency?
What do you mean you’ve been stabbed?
People can’t do that, that’s illegal.