Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
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Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
A dad and his duck
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.