FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Wait just a minute! You’re not Jennifer Aniston! Oh, you got me with that avi. Well played. I knew it was to good to be true.
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I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
“I’ve got cat-like T-Rexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Tyrannosaurus pounces on you*
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
If you’re going to a wedding this weekend and you see a random stranger dancing his nut off on the dance floor, I’m sorry, I lost a bet.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”nMe: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.