@ShaneKnowsStuff

Wait just a minute! You’re not Jennifer Aniston! Oh, you got me with that avi. Well played. I knew it was to good to be true.

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@roxiqt

FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?

ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.

@Parkerlawyer

I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”

@daddydoubts

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

@TheCatWhisprer

You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.

@DanMentos

“I’ve got cat-like T-Rexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Tyrannosaurus pounces on you*

@Donna_McCoy

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

@TravZA

If you’re going to a wedding this weekend and you see a random stranger dancing his nut off on the dance floor, I’m sorry, I lost a bet.

@CauseWereDads

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”nMe: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

@writerPT

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.