@lloydrang

Wait – my gym moved?

In 1997?

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@simoncholland

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

@JohnDuffy21

Social networking has become a club. Twitter is the dance floor. Instagram is the bar and Facebook is the people crying in the bathroom.

@PJTLynch

Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

@withanewname

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!

-Librarians arguing

@InternetHippo

groundhog: sorry guys, 6 more weeks of winter

everyone (sunbathing in february): ok

@Adar79Angie

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

@mommajessiec

Friend: What’s it like having kids?

Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*

@bobbiejo448

News reports 5hr Energy may be linked to death. Don’t know if it’s an advertising gimmick or not but I bought a bunch to gift, just in case.