@lloydrang

Wait – my gym moved?

In 1997?

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@DanMentos

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

@KThonvold

I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.

@_NTFG_

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

@gengen874

Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.

@PoshTick

[first day as an undercover police officer]

me: so uhh does anyone want to do some crime tonight? haha i love crime

@Michael1979

Most annoying times to be attacked by bees

3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit

@cambuslad

Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.

@77StephanieG77

I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….

So now I know why zombies walk like they do.

@JodingersCat

Top 5 Zones

5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal

@NapVeg

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it