Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
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If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.