Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
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What kind of a cult is this?
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
welcome back
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.