@HandyJack420

Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?

-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks

You Might Also Like

@Gupton68

Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.

I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.

@MrAdamBez

A friend that steals your tortilla chips is nacho friend.

@thisislizz

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

@CheryeDavis

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

@nathanwpyle

me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold

@eff_yeah_steph

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

@MarfSalvador

GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness

Me: Wait. . . wh-what?

GF: I’m pregnant

Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?

@TheMichaelRock

Why is everyone mad at Kim Davis? Nobody in the government does their job.

@GrillinChillin9

It’s complicated.

-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.

@LindaInDisguise

After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.