Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?

-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks

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Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.

I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.


A friend that steals your tortilla chips is nacho friend.


Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.


I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.


me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold


Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*


GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness

Me: Wait. . . wh-what?

GF: I’m pregnant

Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?


Why is everyone mad at Kim Davis? Nobody in the government does their job.


It’s complicated.

-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.


After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.