Why do these baby crocodiles sound like a game of Galaga
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
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ME: *packing my bags*
WIFE: let’s talk about this
ME (still mad she didn’t get the cereal with the toy inside): theres nothing to talk about
So this smoke detector is trying to tell me the battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4000 times?
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.