@HandyJack420

Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?

-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks

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@Brampersandon_

ME: *packing my bags*
WIFE: let’s talk about this
ME (still mad she didn’t get the cereal with the toy inside): theres nothing to talk about

@Cali_Kid_Mike

So this smoke detector is trying to tell me the battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4000 times?

@TheEllenShow

I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.

@junejuly12

Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.

@hythemafia

The wife and I just got divorced.

We split the house………I got the outside.

@good_one_rick

Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”

@mrjohndarby

horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course

@causticbob

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.