Wait – so Nutella isn’t Cinderella’s crazy sister?!

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ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch


friend: whats the matter

me: just found out i have a latex allergy

friend: oh shit that means you can’t-

me: *tearing up* eat anymore balloons


i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind


Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this

Her: all the food?

Me: no this penguin


The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, “bring pizza”


My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.


The Foo Fighters did a really good job, because I haven’t had to deal with any Foo in years.


every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”


how to hot dogs:

1) “read” hot dogs instructions
2) place 5 to 60 hot dogs in warm microwave or sink
3) add 1 piece of ketchup
4( drink


[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne