Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
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Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.