@DannyZuker

Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF

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@murrman5

[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”

@Vodkantots

It’s like my mother always told me, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

Then she said I looked fat.

@JoParkerBear

Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.

@TheBoydP

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!

@RidiculousDak

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

@dadmann_walking

5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.

@BlindVigil

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

@colebuer

It’s been 4 years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else

@clevinniej

Wife: ok, you have free reign to decide on all household decisions today…

Me: *too shocked to move or decide anything…*