Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
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melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Squirrels before girls.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
no cat here
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous