[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
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It’s like my mother always told me, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
Then she said I looked fat.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
It’s been 4 years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else
Wife: ok, you have free reign to decide on all household decisions today…
Me: *too shocked to move or decide anything…*
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.