Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
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i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Never be a pizza!
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!