@GrowlyGrego

Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”

Shit.

This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.

You Might Also Like

@FrazzleMyGimp

[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.

@KKBowls

[at my house after 1st date]

me: so, do you wanna have some sex?

her: well, I don’t normally do this…but I think I’ll pass

@hippieswordfish

*tries to play a skeletons ribs like a xylophone*
SKELETON: you cant…it’s not- this is a mischaracterization perpetuated by the media

@Cpin42

I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave

@BiscuitFloater

I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.

It’s blood…I’m made of blood.

@WhatevaConc

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.